Saturday, November 20, 2010

Women are like Golf 5

“Here is some help turning that light of awareness on. Women talk to connect. It is not so much what they say as that they’re sharing with you. When they’re thrilled about something, or angry, or anything in between, they frequently want to tell you about it so they can share that feeling with you. So if you remember that she’s trying to connect with you, it will help.

“But to even things out, you should clarify to her that you are not really into the same stuff. And that you’re not as good a listener as her girlfriends might be. But tell her when she’s excited about something, you’ll pay attention, but not to wait for it all the time.

“Compare yourself to a computer. Tell her it’s more than your computer can handle and when there’s information overload, your computer just freezes up. She may not like it, but she’ll be grateful for that you want to listen and that you’re responsive of her need to share.”

“This is fascinating. Connecting, huh? I had no idea.” Micheal was looking a bit mystified. 

 “Yes, what she is really doing when she talks to you, at least most of the time, is connecting with you. She and her girlfriends share to connect and the more deeply they share, meaning talking about their feelings, the more deeply they attach with each other. She wants that same feeling of connection with you. It’s very significant to her. It’s like her means of support. It’s what makes it all meaningful.

“So if the details become too much for you, ask her how it makes her feel. Then it will be more personal. Just try to find a balance and stay open to communicating what’s going on for you. It’s the greatest souvenir you can give
her and the easiest way to make her happy; listen to her and let her know what’s going on for you.”

“Coach, I can see how that’s almost certainly one of the major reasons my relationships fall apart. I’m blameworthy of not listening. No wonder they dump me.” Micheal put his head in his hands as he realized he’d lost out on some great opportunities with the women he’d loved.

“Micheal, it’s never too late to begin to do it right. You’ve never had education so why would you think you’d be an expert at this stuff? Most guys don’t have a hint, they just make it up as they go.

“Here’s some delicate stuff. Do you think you’re a good lover?”

Micheal squirmed and said, “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

“How did you learn to make love to a woman? Bits of information here and there?”

Micheal nodded, afraid to meet his coach’s stare, realizing there was perhaps a lot more to be taught on this subject as well.

“I don’t think most men are very good lovers. Most men are happy with the snack bar at the turn. A quick sandwich and off to the tenth hole. Like the microwave. Zap! And it’s done. Or the big drive and no short game, no elegance”.

“With women, you need to use the oven. Look at any recipe and it says, ‘pre-heat oven.’ This is not snack bar time. It’s gourmet cooking.

“Romance is the key. Guys think romance is getting her ready for sex. That’s absolutely incorrect. Romance is something you do all the time to keep her in the mood to being open to having sex.

“Did you get that? There’s a clever difference. You want to keep her in the mood to being ‘open to having sex’ so when you move in for the real thing, because you’ve been making her feel exceptional, she’s as ready as you are.

“It’s really getting her ‘in the mood’ to ‘get into the mood.’ When you quit doing the romantic stuff, which almost always happens once things settle down and become comfortable, she begins to shut down and then you
wonder why she thinks you’re pawing her when you want to make love.

Romance is like a door. It stays open if you do those little considerate things all the time. The longer you go without doing those things that make her feel special, the more likely she’s not only going to shut the door, she’s likely to lock it. Remember those club dues? Romance is like paying those club dues. If you go long enough without paying, they’re not going to let you play there any more.”

“Romance, huh? It’s not natural for me to think about that kind of stuff, but it does make sense. Puts a whole new spin on things.” Micheal stared at nothing in particular, lost in his thoughts.

Coach kept talking but raised his voice to get Micheal’s attention back, “Here’s something most people aren’t conscious of. It’s not all your fault that the romance dies down. See, when you become a couple, and the time you spend together starts to be more about just hanging out at each other’s places, the liveliness shifts over to nesting, at least for her. Remember that fantasy.

“In the beginning, you are doing for her, taking care of her, making her feel really special, going on dates, making preparations and buying her gifts. She’s receiving all your interest, soaking it up. You get to be the man – which is outward – doing for her, and she gets to be the woman – all about inward – receiving.

“Then, wham! You become a couple. Her nesting instincts kick in and she becomes ‘Nellie The Nurturer’. She starts doing for you, cooking for you, maybe cleaning, serving you out, making provision for your social life. She’s happily enjoying the fantasy.

Girlfriends connecting..
“And, Micheal, what do you do when this starts happening?” Coach waited for Micheal to respond.

“I didn’t even know this was going on so how could I know?” Micheal said defensively. Coach Jake waited.

“Okay, I guess I like it. It feels nice to let her do all that for me. But what does that have to do with me being less romantic?”

“Of course you like it. And because all of a sudden the weight is off of you, you relax and sit back and lie around in your woman doing all that for you. But then, she begins to hint that you’re not being as romantic. She’ll say things like, ‘You don’t take me out to nice restaurants any more.’ And you’ll say, ‘Sure I do.’ But then, you realize she’s right. So you make a big production of taking her out. The problem is, the energy has shifted and you’re not focused on her and she can feel it. Every once in a while just doesn’t feel as good as when you were working to win her over.

“You both become aware of the shift in energy, but you don’t identify what has changed. She begins to whimper and complain, you begin to back off and all of a sudden, one of you decides to call it quits.”


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